The Myth of Rewards

"An old hunchback was constantly teased and abused by the neighbourhood children. One day he told them that each will get Rs10 for teasing and abusing him for one hour every day. Kids were overjoyed and did the worst teasing and abusing possible. After few days the old man informed that now onwards they would be getting Rs 5 per day for their job. Still kids were happy and did their job well. The next day the old man revised the rate to Rs 2 and children were clearly disappointed. Some dropped out. Finally the next day the old man said that now onwards he is stopping these payments. Children stopped teasing and abusing.

Next time, before you offer your child a reward for a certain 'good' behaviour, think about this story:
Is discipline about identifying the behaviours that you want (clean room, less TV, being nice or being quiet, etc), then to reward the positive behaviour and punish the negative ones? In which case I soon determine which rewards are worth the 'good' behaviour and go for it and which are not worth it and accept punishment for them (with resentment though).
Moreover, if a reward is connected to certain behaviour it implies a hidden punishment. You see, not getting the reward is in itself a punishment.

According to us rewards create more problems then solutions - both for the parents and for the child:

1. "Finish your homework by 5 and you will get to see the cartoon show". Rewards create uncertainty in the mind of the child. "Will I get it or not" This creates anxiety and distress which impairs creativity and problem solving skills. It kills opportunity for learning.

2. "If you sit quietly in the car, I'll buy you a chocolate". Bribes only make children put value to their behaviour. Next time you want them to do something, the response will be "what do I get?" or simply "what for?" This poses another problem - soon the last reward becomes small and demand is made for bigger rewards. "Gimme two" or
"Buy me that toy also" etc.

3. "If you finish all your food, you will get the ice cream." Rewards make control of child's behaviour 'external' (in adult's hand). It feels like manipulation. Moreover, remove the control and out goes the behaviour. Litmus test - leave your child on his own and watch how he behaves - he eats food or straight goes for ice cream?

4. "You will get a cycle on getting 90 in the final exams". So who cares about learning, let me just see how can I get that. Rewards interfere with the real reason for doing something. Unable to achieve it, the child doesn't rue the lack of marks, but the loss of reward!

Connecting rewards to disciplining gives control to parents. But is parenting about control?
Is parenting about getting the child to do what you want or making the child want what is good for him or her. Perhaps more challenging than putting a carrot in front of the pony. But more rewarding in the long run. So is disciplining is about giving the leash itself to the horse?
Removing rewards means you substitute it with intrinsic motivation. This leads to self-discipline. Million times more effective.
See the sequel next week which will carry specific suggestions

By Ratnesh Mathur
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* Next article in Perspectives on Parenting would be the sequel on "Rewards".