Parenting like a ‘DIYA’

Enlightening parenting - Learnings from the humble ‘DIYA’

Happy Diwali and wishes for lots of happiness and prosperity. To me apart from all the celebrations and fun, each festival also brings an opportunity for retrospection, specially with respect to the values espoused by the festival. We undertake this endeavour, asking ourselves, “What is best parenting?”

Imagine going for childbirth and the hospital returning you saying, “Your are not qualified”. Its actually quite funny that we get the responsible occupation of parenting, for more than twenty years, without any qualification or any selection criteria.
And if we are doing a bad job of it, we aren’t even fired from the job! No accountability for perhaps the most serious profession in the world.

Do we stop often and assess ourselves and our performance as parents? Have we even defined what is our role as a parent, what are our expectations from ourselves and how will we judge our performance?

Have we thought what is parenting? Is it to tell, teach, control, administer and discipline the child? Is it to constantly agree with their demands, let them have fun, only look after their heart's wish?

Does being a parent means to be an authority figure or to be a love goddess? Perhaps neither. Does parenting mean doing something to our children so that they become wonderful adults? Is parenting about our children or about ME?

The biggest trap, according to me, is to consider that we have a lump of clay in our hands, which we have to mould. What naturally follow out of this thinking are expectations, aspirations, control and discipline. And we get into the perpetual state of controlling their life.

Let me propose the concept of Enlightening parenting – inspired by our humble Diya (The lamp).

Diya lights up our life, it surrounds us with enlightenment. It shows without pointing. It doesn’t try to change us, but illuminates, both the good deeds, as well as the bad.

It doesn’t push us, rather goes with us. It doesn’t put any expectations on us, yet lightens our path, no matter which we choose. It is there always (the assurance), but almost never interferes. It is silent, but listens to all our words and feelings.

While one would not like to make such a judgement, but there is something like BEST parenting. One in which we, instead of trying to change the child, look at changing ourselves – be it our own practices, our habits, our attitudes, our focus, our tempers, our strengths, our weaknesses, and our priorities.

Best parenting is about assuming the role of a Diya, of lighting our children’s paths, of being like an assurance and like enlightenment. Can we change ourselves in such a way that we always fill the child’s life with illumination worthy for his or her growth?

Isn’t the only way a child can become self-disciplined is when we stop disciplining him? How can a child change if he hasn’t seen you changing? Instead of being a source of perspiration, why don’t we become a source of inspiration?

Enlightening parenting yearns to provide children the light in which they decide what is expected from themselves, they set up their aspirations, they are self controlled and they are self disciplined, are self motivated and move towards becoming a SELF worthy to become another illuminating lamp in this world.

Lets take a small detour and study Cracker Parenting:

How deafening are all these crackers and bombs during diwali? Check out if your child goes through the same fireworks throughout the year? Take a sample day out of your life -
Morning 7am to night 11pm:
“Get up….take bath quickly……finish your breakfast…..don’t fight in school……get carefully in the bus…….take care of your clothes….. do your homework cleanly……don’t play in water…..keep your books back….keep TV volume down….are you sure you ate properly?…..don’t forget to brush your teeth….go to bed NOW”.

For most parents, children are most reluctant to obey – “Do as I say”. For most children, parents are too eager to instruct – Do as I want”. The fireworks continue throughout the year!

The enlightenment parenting says – when they are not being pushed to learn, they kind of push themselves to learn (be it subjects, manners, behavior, values etc).
Decorate your child environ with your own Diya of high values and virtues and soon they will light their own Diya from your Diya.

This Diwali lets resolve to switch our role to be a Diya and adapt, change and strengthen our flame to inspire, enlighten and spark the lives of our children. Isn’t that the best parenting?

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Ratnesh Mathur
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The Myth of Patience

A parent came to Geniekids to drop her child. She had planned that she will run some errands after dropping him, but for some reason that day the child was in no mood to go inside readily. So when they reached the waiting area she said to her child, “Go”. But the child just sported a blank look. She tried again, “Go, GO IN, everybody is going inside”. But the child was not budging. Soon her volume and tone of voice raised as she tried, “GO INSIDE, session is starting, aunty is waiting, GO IN”. Soon she was very irritated and said, “Why don’t you GO” I have to go, now GOOOOOO”.

Is parenting a lot about patience? If yes, how do I have more of it?

First let me put my opinion forward – I think patience is a MYTH. In parenting or in real life we are not more patient or less patient. Or put the other way each one of us show more patience or less patience at different times, in different situations, with different people.

Check these scenarios:
I am in a super market and I am comparing various brands – I take my own sweet time to decide. But once I reach the payment counter and the checkout person is taking more time I tend to become impatient. However, if I am waiting for the doctor and if the doctor is taking more time, I am pretty Ok with that. But if after the doctor’s appointment I have to pick up my daughter, then again I am pacing outside the doctor’s door impatiently.

Does it mean that I have less patience or more patience? Or does it mean that patience depends on something? Maybe– the situation – in which case what does situation depend on?

Here is my proposition: Patience is inversely proportionate to Expectations. The more I expect from others, the world around me, my child, and the less patience I seem to have with them. The less I expect, the more I am relaxed.

The reason we are Ok in the doctor’s clinic is because we expect the doctor to take time. But if I have to pick up my daughter, then today I am expecting (even wishing) that doctor will take less time, and hence I get impatient.

So lets take another example - to show that patience per-se is not a quality but it depends on what kind of expectations do I have. Lets say I am feeding my child and expect either of these two – child to eat the whole bowl or child to finish eating in 10 minutes.

Now the moment the child eats slowly or does not take interest in the food – I start getting impatient – I say, “Hey come on eat this much …. You’re a fussy eater …. Now come on…” patience goes out of the window.
But what if before starting the meal, I was to say to the child, “Eat as much as you want”. What do you think it will do to my patience – now whether the child fast or slow and more or less – it keeps me patient.
Some people will argue that this way the child will eat less – and that is my point – your way of expectation also didn’t help – this way at least you are relaxed and child is relaxed and then chances are that she will actually eat more.

So what we are saying is that whenever you catch yourself thinking or saying that “I don’t have patience” rephrase the statement to “My expectations are too high”. And high expectation creates stress, not better results.

A classic example is of parents trying to put a child to sleep who doesn’t want to sleep …. patting him vigorously …. till they run out of patience … and give up …. and maybe just roll away …. and soon the child, now left on his own, goes to sleep!

When we work from the paradigm of “I do not have patience” – it seems to imply - this is not in my control – the child is to be blamed for this - I am made like that – it cannot be made better. Its like patience is a resource and I have less of it – this thinking is final and fatalistic.
However the moment you work from the paradigm of “My expectations are too high” – it implies that I am responsible for that – and my expectation are perfectly in my control – and when I want I CAN LOWER THEM. This way of thinking is flexible and restorative.

So check out where you operate from – a lot of us have very high expectations from ourselves and from our children – “She should eat well, she should be organized, she should study well, on time, sitting properly in the chair with no shake in her concentration, while she should also learn her keyboard lessons fast so that she can play whenever I want her to play in front of my friends ………

A taut string is very simple to break
A limp one can loop into endless possibilities!

By Ratnesh Mathur
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* Next article in Perspectivess in Parenting would be on "concentration".