Is it necessary to punish children?

Common answers parents give are:

“If you don’t punish they will get away with anything.”

“If you don’t punish how will they ever learn what is right and what is wrong”

“I think it is the most effective learning tool.”

And this is the big one

“I punish because this is the only language he understands.”

For a moment switch roles. Remember your own childhood when you were punished – by your parents, teacher etc. How did you feel? What were your thoughts? Pause here to reminisce.

Most of my own memories of punishment are either of rebellion, of hatred, of unfairness, of angst, or of extreme shame, of unworthiness, of inferiority, of guilt or of self-pity. I do not remember any positive feelings. In fact I even remember thinking – next time I will not get caught.

As physiologist Dr Albert Bendura says: Punishment can control misbehavior, but by itself will not teach desirable behaviour or even reduce the desire to misbehave.

But you might still say, “That’s all right, but we do need punishment, don’t we? We need a final method of control, don’t we? WE need a last resort? Don’t some acts have to be punished?

Three thoughts:

1. In a caring relationship, there is NO place for punishment.

2. The problem with last resort thought is that the last resort comes too soon, even before we have tried other more effective methods.

3. What will happen if there was no last resort – will you look for more alternates – then why not do that now!

4. Punishment is often completely unrelated to the behaviour. A slap is not related to behaviour of purposefully spitting mouthful of food.

As Eric Jensen puts it, “Children need to know that they are still good people; it's their behaviour that is unacceptable. Children need to know what the boundaries are - a definite framework for acceptable behaviour.”

But all this has to be done giving due dignity and respect to the child.
First we need to believe that misbehaviour is not a necessity to punish, but an opportunity to learn.

We need to realize that it is the misbehaving child that needs our love most!

May we personally invite all parents and teachers to a workshop on "DISCIPLINING and ALTERNATIVES to punishments" this Saturday, 1st April 2006 - 2:30-5:30pm. Do tell about this invaluable - full of strategies and very popular workshop to all your friends too!

By Ratnesh & Aditi Mathur