The Myth of (bad) Habits

Out latest article on the myth of thumb sucking has raised quite a bit of interest. We are receiving load of comments – on both sides of the issue. We felt a rejoinder is in demand here and hence present to you - The Myth of (bad) Habits
and some thouhts to lead you to insights, possible solutions and definitely more peace of mind.

We present this article as a series of beliefs - whether you agree or disagree - try to see if changing your belief may bring some positive and effective change in your life. To help you do that each belief statement is followed by few questions. Take it with an open mind. Here we go:

1. We as parents assume that one of our key responsibility is to ensure that our children do not pick up bad or inappropriate habits. What kind of controls does this belief lead to?

2. We believe and operate from a fear that if we do not correct them they will not know what is right or wrong. In what ways will we develop their wisdom, intellect and sense of responsibility if we were to, instead of imposing right and wrong, lead them by examples, discussions and consequences?

3. We believe that only by (consciously and repeatedly) correcting can we avoid a bad habit from establishing itself. What happens when we constantly correct somebody? How does it make us feel and how does it make the child feel? What worst can happen if we were to leave the child alone?

4. We believe that if bad habits are not REMOVED in the childhood, they will invariably be a part of child's adult life. Think how many of your childhood habits are with you still? Why did you leave some and why some are with you still? What made those which are still with you stick to you? What made some go away? Were some of them just passing phase?

5. We believe that children are incapable of finding an alternate more appropriate way of fulfilling their needs. We also assume that only by our telling the child will the child know if something is inappropriate? Instead of pointing out - in what ways can I empower the child to become more conscious, more resourceful and more enterprising.

6. We believe that bad habits are just BAD for the child and serve no purpose. What could be the needs that the 'bad' habit is satisfying? How important are those needs?

7. We believe that just because a child is not 'improving' on his habit he does not want to give it up. Hence we believe that we need to reprimand and pull the child up for this. What happens when we encourage the child in his or her efforts to give up a habit? In what ways will encouraging effect both of us?

8. We believe that child forms habits by conscious behaviour. Hence, we also believe that conscious effort to stop the habit will prevent the habit? What will happen if habits were a need of our sub-conscious (and originated from there)? Would sub-conscious habits be better changed through sub-conscious efforts - for example through "affirmations"?

9. We believe that once a habit is formed it cannot be given up easily. Is it that the habits are difficult to give up or is it that we are just not aware of better ways of giving it up? Maybe we just need but are not "wanting enough" the habit to go away? Maybe we haven't found replacement or alternate way to fulfilling whatever need the habits fulfill?

10. Finally, we may believe that all of above are TRUE. We may also state that "Since, I do not have an experience to the contrary, I would continue to hold to it. How limited or expansive is your experience and is there room to questions beliefs formed on this - leading to fresher insights? How can I explore limitations put by my own beliefs? Maybe the grass is greener on the other side.

To top it all I would lead you to a very comprehensive article at the Univercity of Michigen website - a must for parents troubled by any kind of habits of their children. Click on this link or copy in your browser: http://www.med.umich.edu/1libr/yourchild/badhabit.htm

If you still have issues - then we do offer professional one-to-one guidance to parents - in person/ over phone or email/ chat. Contact us for details of the same.
By Ratnesh Mathur
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* Next article in Perspectives in Parenting would be on "rewards".

The Myth of Thumb Sucking and The way to Resourcefulness

The other day, a friend of mine came home and their daughter, about nine months old, was sucking her thumb. I eagerly expressed my joy on seeing her sucking her thumb. My friend, obviously quite puzzled by this, asked me why, when the whole world fusses over sucking, am I glad?So I asked him, “What do you do when you are under stress or trauma? When you are lost, when you cannot think of a solution? My friend was quite surprised by this kind of questioning and fell quiet, instead his wife answered. She said, “Sometimes when I am really tense, I take the name of God”. I replied, “That means you too suck thumb”! This confused both of them even more.

I continued my questioning, “Why do you think your daughter sucks her thumb”? Their answer was quite logical, they said, “She sucks her thumb, because she finds this is very soothing. It is in a way, a replacement of the same feeling that she gets when she suckles and nurses from her mother's breast”.

I said, “Exactly, just like when you take name of God and that soothes you, gives you inner peace, the child has found a way to seek that inner peace. Just as when we’re angry, we work through different strategies – like clinching and unclenching fist, counting till ten etc. Similarly when your child needs some emotional support, instead of an outburst, the child has actually found a way to be calm, to be resourceful.”

“Is this not better than the child crying, or becoming cranky or throwing the physical tantrum. Instead your child has found a way to take care of herself and her negative state of mind, has found a way to respond to stressful situations, which come to all of us time to time.

Somehow, we tend to think that just because a particular behaviour does not seem to be in line with adult way of doing things - it must not be productive. However, each one of us just uses different strategies, rather, uses different internal resources to take care of ourselves. The more we encourage the child towards his or her own way of handling a situation, the more we help the child become emotionally independent and the more the child access the strength within.

My friends, who had been quiet, expressed another doubt, “But I do not normally use any such external support. I just sort myself out. Also what if the child sucks thumb even when not distressed.”

I continued, “What research has also shown - that if a child is left on her own, sooner or later the child finds another way to take care of her distress and leaves the sucking of the thumb. However, research also shows that the more we fuss and nag about the sucking of thumb (or any other undesirable habit) the more the child likes to suck the thumb and more than child finds difficult to leave it.

Any habit gets worse, and gets more strengthen when we nag and when we constantly try to correct the child, as this becomes a constant reminder of the habit itself. You cannot get the kite to soar, by constantly tugging at the string; rather you need to ‘let it out’ more. More importantly, we believe that all the resources we need to manage ourselves are inside us – it is like a well inside. What we need is a bucket to access these resources. A child sucking her thumb has found a bucket, a way to do that.

Theoretically, this is called Anchoring. Which is when we connect an internal resource through a physical action, or a visual or a word? Counting beads, chanting God’s name, a high five, the famous Indian cricket team huddle, words like ‘bravo’, a thumbs-up sign, are all examples of anchors – which connect and help us to access any internal resource inside us – be it confidence, courage, peace, etc.

So let the child build internal resources and pathways to access them. Let the child use his or her instincts to take care of herself. Let the child be more self reliant. Let the child suck her thumb.

I had designed a T-shirt, for a child, which read, in hindi, “Mera angutha, mera mooh, tumko kya?” (translated – My thumb, My mouth, Whats your problem?)

By Ratnesh Mathur

* Do remember to leave your comments as well as check out other's comments.
* Do forward this to friends who would find this of interest and benefit.
* Next article in Perspectives in Parenting would be on "rewards