Alternatives to Rewards and Punishments

Few days back I visited an office and started complaining to the girl at the front desk about the bills that I had not received, about which I had reminded her number of times. At that moment, her boss came, and I redirected my complaining to him. He immediately assured me that the bills will be sent by evening and informed me that it was he who had delayed them.

Satisfied, I stepped out of the office, saw my loose shoe laces and started tying them, when I over heard the girl crying inside. The boss asked, “Why are you crying?” The girl sobbed, “You knew I had forgotten to inform you about the bills, still you told him….”. The boss said, “Its only sometimes you forget things, consider this to be a reward for all the times you have remembered”.

Ladies and gentleman, this is one boss who understands rewards and punishment better than many of us. This is one guy who knows what works, what’s motivating and what’s inspiring for us human beings.

Parents, the next time you bait your child with a reward or threaten with a punishment, remind yourself of this incident. Remind yourself that although rewards and punishment seem to work in the short run – they are still controls. That while controls may make YOU FEEL powerful – parenting is perhaps more about empowerment and inspiration.

Eric Jensen defines rewards as something that caused the child to change his or her behaviour in the hope of getting it (and you can extend it to punishment when a child did that to avoid getting it). So reward is anything that is predictable (I know in advance that I will get it IF….) and has a (market) value – a star, a chocolate, toy etc.

However, if it is predictable but has no market value – a smile, a hug, a compliment - than it is an acknowledgement, a recognition.
If it has market value but is spontaneous or unrelated to the behaviour or the task – a surprise chocolate, a small “I feel like giving this to you” gift - then it’s a GIFT or a celebration.

In both the cases above, the reward is still intrinsic to the child. As Eric Jensen says, “The brain does have its own built-in reward system. It’s not only unique to each individual, but it also habituates to new levels. It makes extrinsic rewards unequal from the start”.

Do you think that rewards are required because we are often short of time? I think that, over a period of time, I actually start saving time, when I operate not from control (there by avoiding power struggles) but from giving the child understanding, the real reason for doing something.

No wonder in the last six years of working with more than two thousand children in GenieKids from ages 2 to 15, we have never used any rewards whatsoever. It is because we believe that rewards and punishments alienate the child, put anxiety, and make them operate from low-risk behaviour - thereby impairing creativity and higher order thinking. Rewards also rob children off opportunities to be responsible, independent and self motivated – which children naturally are!

Here is what we recommend – Operate from the paradigm that IF I need to give – it should not be both predictable and have market value.

1. So substitute material rewards with praise and encouragement (and keep that genuine). A smile, a hug, a public approval, a lovely label and a specific compliment works wonders.

2. If you want to, give material ‘gifts’ spontaneously. If possible do not explicitly connect it to the behaviour. Say something harmless, like "I feel great, so here are chocolates for everybody”.

3. Eschew rewards by working on the real reason for the child to behave in a certain way. Asking them for the reasons, pointing out the consequences, giving them choices and even control may not sound attractive in short term, but are more fundamental, permanent and empowering in their effect. So rather than “if you brush now only then you will get toffee tomorrow,” ask, “Why do you think we should brush”? By focusing on the task we also ensure that rewards do not demean the task itself.

4. Finally, instead of rewards, see if you would like to use some of these: Challenge (I think you can make this room look like a masterpiece); Novelty (lets hum and brush); Choices (would you like to talk softly now or finish work and then talk); Empathy (I agree sometimes its tough to finish one’s glass of milk”); Feelings (How would you feel once you finish this); Positive feedback (Its impressive how you are putting in hard work into your swimming); Hope (At this rate you will soon finish this); Positive beliefs (You are a champ or a fast learner); Role Modeling and ‘I’ language (I am going to do my work neatly); an finally Inspiration like the boss above, who I would like to work under!

So is disciplining about putting a carrot in front of the pony or about giving the leash itself to the horse?
Think about it.

By Ratnesh Mathur
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The Myth of Rewards

"An old hunchback was constantly teased and abused by the neighbourhood children. One day he told them that each will get Rs10 for teasing and abusing him for one hour every day. Kids were overjoyed and did the worst teasing and abusing possible. After few days the old man informed that now onwards they would be getting Rs 5 per day for their job. Still kids were happy and did their job well. The next day the old man revised the rate to Rs 2 and children were clearly disappointed. Some dropped out. Finally the next day the old man said that now onwards he is stopping these payments. Children stopped teasing and abusing.

Next time, before you offer your child a reward for a certain 'good' behaviour, think about this story:
Is discipline about identifying the behaviours that you want (clean room, less TV, being nice or being quiet, etc), then to reward the positive behaviour and punish the negative ones? In which case I soon determine which rewards are worth the 'good' behaviour and go for it and which are not worth it and accept punishment for them (with resentment though).
Moreover, if a reward is connected to certain behaviour it implies a hidden punishment. You see, not getting the reward is in itself a punishment.

According to us rewards create more problems then solutions - both for the parents and for the child:

1. "Finish your homework by 5 and you will get to see the cartoon show". Rewards create uncertainty in the mind of the child. "Will I get it or not" This creates anxiety and distress which impairs creativity and problem solving skills. It kills opportunity for learning.

2. "If you sit quietly in the car, I'll buy you a chocolate". Bribes only make children put value to their behaviour. Next time you want them to do something, the response will be "what do I get?" or simply "what for?" This poses another problem - soon the last reward becomes small and demand is made for bigger rewards. "Gimme two" or
"Buy me that toy also" etc.

3. "If you finish all your food, you will get the ice cream." Rewards make control of child's behaviour 'external' (in adult's hand). It feels like manipulation. Moreover, remove the control and out goes the behaviour. Litmus test - leave your child on his own and watch how he behaves - he eats food or straight goes for ice cream?

4. "You will get a cycle on getting 90 in the final exams". So who cares about learning, let me just see how can I get that. Rewards interfere with the real reason for doing something. Unable to achieve it, the child doesn't rue the lack of marks, but the loss of reward!

Connecting rewards to disciplining gives control to parents. But is parenting about control?
Is parenting about getting the child to do what you want or making the child want what is good for him or her. Perhaps more challenging than putting a carrot in front of the pony. But more rewarding in the long run. So is disciplining is about giving the leash itself to the horse?
Removing rewards means you substitute it with intrinsic motivation. This leads to self-discipline. Million times more effective.
See the sequel next week which will carry specific suggestions

By Ratnesh Mathur
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* Do remember to leave your comments as well as check out other's comments.
* Do forward this to friends who would find this of interest and benefit.
* Next article in Perspectives on Parenting would be the sequel on "Rewards".