Is it necessary to punish children?

Common answers parents give are:

“If you don’t punish they will get away with anything.”

“If you don’t punish how will they ever learn what is right and what is wrong”

“I think it is the most effective learning tool.”

And this is the big one

“I punish because this is the only language he understands.”

For a moment switch roles. Remember your own childhood when you were punished – by your parents, teacher etc. How did you feel? What were your thoughts? Pause here to reminisce.

Most of my own memories of punishment are either of rebellion, of hatred, of unfairness, of angst, or of extreme shame, of unworthiness, of inferiority, of guilt or of self-pity. I do not remember any positive feelings. In fact I even remember thinking – next time I will not get caught.

As physiologist Dr Albert Bendura says: Punishment can control misbehavior, but by itself will not teach desirable behaviour or even reduce the desire to misbehave.

But you might still say, “That’s all right, but we do need punishment, don’t we? We need a final method of control, don’t we? WE need a last resort? Don’t some acts have to be punished?

Three thoughts:

1. In a caring relationship, there is NO place for punishment.

2. The problem with last resort thought is that the last resort comes too soon, even before we have tried other more effective methods.

3. What will happen if there was no last resort – will you look for more alternates – then why not do that now!

4. Punishment is often completely unrelated to the behaviour. A slap is not related to behaviour of purposefully spitting mouthful of food.

As Eric Jensen puts it, “Children need to know that they are still good people; it's their behaviour that is unacceptable. Children need to know what the boundaries are - a definite framework for acceptable behaviour.”

But all this has to be done giving due dignity and respect to the child.
First we need to believe that misbehaviour is not a necessity to punish, but an opportunity to learn.

We need to realize that it is the misbehaving child that needs our love most!

May we personally invite all parents and teachers to a workshop on "DISCIPLINING and ALTERNATIVES to punishments" this Saturday, 1st April 2006 - 2:30-5:30pm. Do tell about this invaluable - full of strategies and very popular workshop to all your friends too!

By Ratnesh & Aditi Mathur

The Myth of Gandhiji's 3-Monkeys

Two monks came across a swollen river that they had to cross. A young damsel, who had hurt herself, was waiting for some help to cross the same river. The elder monk carried her on his back crossed the river, and dropped her off at the other bank.
As the two monks continued their journey, the younger one’s mind was at unrest, “How could my senior do such a blasphemous act – touch a girl!”. After a long time, when the young monk could not contain himself any further, he finally asked the senior monk, “You touched that girl, how could you break our sacred vow”.
The elder monk remarked quietly, “I left that girl at the river, you are still carrying her!

We as parents are quite sensitized to Gandhiji’s mantra of “See no evil, hear no evil and say no evil”. We get worried when our children are exposed to violence on TV, or immoral behaviour in real life or when they use inappropriate language.
Hence we go about shielding our children. Check out how will you react if your child is around and
* A violent scene is on the TV
* Somebody uses foul language
* Some children of your child’s age are bulling a smaller child
* An indecently exposed photograph is there in the magazine
* You speak angrily and rudely to another person.

While I am not suggesting that we expose our children to inappropriate stuff, I want you to realize that the trouble with building a shield around a child is that sooner or later the child invariably does get exposed. Then what? The trouble is that children cannot help but “see and hear evil”.

The problem is not what Gandhiji propagated (he was a master communicator and had to simplify things for the masses). The trouble is in our literal interpretation of the same.

We are what our thoughts are. Hence, a much better proposition, as the senior monk exhibited, would be to THINK NO EVIL. A much better proposition would be to build the shield instead of around the child – INSIDE the child.

Instead of sterilizing them from all kinds of germs, make their immune system stronger.
Instead of teaching them what is right and wrong, a much better proposition would be to teach them how to decide what is right or wrong. Instead of giving them wisdom, help them discover wisdom. Instead of giving them our thoughts, encourage them to build their own thoughts and perspectives.

Somehow we believe that it is parent’s responsibility to preach, sermonize and moralize our children minds. We believe that if we do not brain wash somebody or something else would. But to us, the key to the whole process of character building is not education, but EMPOWERMENT.

While I am not going to give solutions here, as I first want to hear your views, I leave you to ponder over this with profound words of Osho Shree Rajneesh,

“I say over and over again that if you want your children to know the truth you must give them the chance to think creatively. Stop conditioning them with beliefs; allow them to understand things for themselves. Creativity will become their capacity for life; creativity will become their wisdom. That capacity and that wisdom will lead them to the uncharted sea of truth"

By Ratnesh Mathur
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The Myth of Quality Time

Perspectives on Parenting - The Myth of Quality Time
Once in Animal Kingdom, the animals met to complain about the humans. The cow said, “They take away my milk!” The sheep cribbed about her wool being taken. The hen was upset that her eggs are taken by humans. The horse complained about humans taking all his energy. But the snail was smiling, “I have something they need, but don’t seem to care about, TIME!”

If you are planning to give a gift to your child, consider TIME. A gift they would cherish most. If you want your child successful, the real investment is not money, not more classes, not more gadgets, not computer, not the best school, not less TV but MORE TIME. Quality Time!
While quality time is most used catch phrase, its possibly the most misunderstood. Here we represent the seven myths of quality time. Realising what quality time is NOT will possibly lead us to discover WHAT IT IS. Read on:

MYTH #1: (The working parent’s myth) Its not how much but how you spend the time.
Raising children is not about instant magic. Sporadic solutions give sporadic results. Leaving it on grand parent or caretaker cannot replace the need to child to be with you. You can give birth the test tube way, but you can’t raise children through a test tube. Specially parents of zero to five years olds - consider part time, working from home or anything that increases your time with the child.

MYTH #2: (The non working mother’s myth) I spend enough time with my child.
Only Quantity does not mean quality. Non working mothers say, “I choose not to work so that I can spend time with my children”. You are missing the point if you are counting quality time in terms of hours. While presence is important it is of not much use if it the child is still being raised by instructions, commands, interference and too much dependence (on you). Check out how you spend the time!

MYTH #3: I take good care of my child.
Taking care of physical needs is hardly quality time. Any efficient adult can cook, take of necessities, get homework done, take child to park or swimming or cricket classes (while you sit outside). Its not about physical needs, its about mental and emotional needs. In fact its not even about fulfilling mental and emotional needs. It’s about understanding these needs and then empowering the child to fulfill them. So if your daughter had fight with a friend, its about not offering her advise or solutions but, being empathetically with her till she finds a solution on her own.

MYTH #4 Quality time means spending time for the child.
The key word here is ‘FOR’ the child. While when we say we use the term “with the child”, most of us actually spend time “for the child”. How many times do you really play with them as you are another child: totally into the activity, playing with full josh, fighting, laughing, completely inhibited – enjoying it as much as the child. The moment we play for the child, we play act and that is not real play - its act. What is not genuine is not quality. Are you 100% present with the child?

MYTH #5: Time I spend teaching my child is quality time.
Quality time is not about improving the child. It is definitely not about improving your child’s grades. Most of us are poor teachers. This is simply because we operate from an adult point of view. While we detested dictations as children, we give the same dictation to our children with the authority of a commandant. No wonder most teaching (and homework) situations are tension filled – for both. Quality time – nay! Count the time you learned something from the child as quality time.

MYTH #6: Even if I spend little less time he will anyhow have a successful life (didn't I?).

Somewhere we are forgetting that the first 15 years of life are also PART OF LIFE. So that extra meeting, that extra target at work, and that extra doing up the house is leaving your child with LESS childhood, with less then optimum 15 important years of life. We worry what the child will be tomorrow, we forget that he is somebody today!

MYTH #7: The weekend myth – what I lose during week, I make up over weekend.
Do you also catch up on sleep, exercise, relationships over the weekend! Its like saying "eat junk food during the week, over the weekend we will eat healthy". Unfortunately children don’t develop on such doses. Weekends based parenting either gets loaded with guilt ridden materialistic bribes (I will take you out for pizza) or many a times gets effected by guests, functions, house chores…. Its daily meaningful doses of sunshine that children will blossom in.

And finally we at Geniekids believe that Quality time itself is a myth: A child told his mother who came late from work - "You have taught me how to make a living, but you have not taught me how to make a life! We say, its not about quality time - is about quality life. If we are running behind the clock we will never be able to catch it. Its all about, through consciousness and understanding, filling our child's life with joy.

By Ratnesh Mathur
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One of Geniekids most intensive workshops has been on Quality Time and we got rave reviews like "this was the best workshop in my life"; "A life-opener" etc. Inviting corporates, groups of parents, schools to contact us to explore this most meaningful workshop we have for all parents!
Geniekids will be holding the same again on 29th April 06.
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